Friday, February 18, 2011

Rays of sunshine

I was sad this morning.

I know Jossie being born preterm is not my fault. It is not my fault. I admit - I have entertained thoughts to the contrary in the past weeks but I've been pretty successful in squelching them in recent days.

I do, however, get the baby blues sometimes, and if I can't write about them here, where can I? I was sad this morning. My due date of March 7 is coming up soon, and I'm sad that Jossie didn't get those last seven weeks in me to grow and develop. I'm selfishly sad that I  missed a good deal of my third trimester of what will probably be my last pregnancy - of being full of life. And I'm sad I had to have an emergency c-section and feel so out-of-control of Jossie's birth, when I felt so in control of Jack's birth.

It's hard to deal with these feelings. Jeremy continues to comfort me with the fact that we have a healthy daughter who is full of spunk.  When we were in the NICU, I was constantly amazed at the resiliency of the human spirit, exhibited by the little ones. All these little babies want to do is live and thrive - these four-pound and smaller babes in their itty-bitty diapers. If this isn't motivating, I'm not sure what is.

I'm not ready to completely let go of my sadness just yet but I'm thankful to God for reminding me of the good that surrounds me. Today, the sunshine shone brightly and people in Chicago were shedding winter layers to soak in the warmth. This afternoon, as the sunshine streamed through our windows, Jack and I set out the playmat for Jossie, and we had her first-ever tummy time. It went over...quietly. She promptly fell asleep, our sweet girl.

In the late afternoon, Jack half-woke up from his nap and climbed into my bed and promptly fell back to sleep (which, trust me, never happens). I had Jossie cradled in the crook of my arm, Jack snuggled up against my back and Roscoe the cat snoozing against Jack's legs. Surrounded by my babies, listening to their breathing - well, there is nothing sweeter or life-affirming than that.

I'm sad now from time to time. But I will heal. For my family, I will heal. And because of my family, I will heal.

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